Ruby's Dos and Don'ts of Drinking

I've come up with some advice for inexperienced drinkers. You're welcome ACC.

Ruby's Dos and Don'ts of Drinking

Do: Drink with your friends. Humans are herd animals because it's a good survival strategy. If you're in a group, the jerks of the animal kingdom are more likely to leave you alone.

Don't: Drink to make the people around you more amusing.

Do: Drink at bars you like, not bars you think you should like.

Don't: Buy drinks at clubs. Pre-drink (or pre-game as the Yanks say) if you have to, but the cost-benefit analysis of $10 for a vodka shot is near criminally overpriced.

Do: Carry your ID at all times (driver's license, Hanz 18+, or passport). It's better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.

Don't: Drink unless you have something that says you're old enough.

Do: Dress for the occasion. Suits and gowns at cocktail parties, jeans and T-shirts at house parties.

Don't: Wear an outfit for the first time when you go somewhere. If you're planning to wear something nice, wear it around the house a few times and see how you feel in it. The way we dress affects the way we feel, and if you have any concerns about what you look like, it's best to do it before you get inebriated.

Do: Share. You will have a better time if everyone is having a good time.

Don't: Pressure others into drinking. Offering is fine; insisting is bad. Allow people to drink at their own pace.

Do: Drink what you like. If you're a grown man who likes Smirnoff Ice, drink it! If you're a fan of gin and tomato juice, own up to it!

Don't: Be a drinks snob. No one likes that person.

Do: Enjoy a spa pool or a hot tub when you're sipping drinks.

Don't: Go swimming while drunk. It was nice knowing you.

Do: Go on adventures.

Don't: Go on adventures in a car if no one is sober.

Do: Play drinking games. God Save the Queen and Circle of Death are my favourites.

Don't: Play drinking games at weddings, or funerals, or interventions.

Do: Keep an eye on how many drinks you've had, and bear in mind your body's tolerance to alcohol. It can be very easy to get too drunk and once you're there, the reset button is...unpleasant and located at the back of your throat.

Don't: Top up your drinks halfway through finishing them. It makes counting difficult.

Do: Brush your teeth after you've finished drinking. Liquor on your teeth will make sure you need false teeth soon enough.

Don't: Brush your teeth with a bottle of Jack Daniels instead of toothpaste. C'mon Ke$ha, you're better than that.

Do: Try lots of different liquors throughout your life. As you grow up, your tastebuds will change and you may find yourself liking different things in your thirties than you did in your twenties.

Don't: Try lots of different liquors in one night. That's a good way to get a hangover.

Do: Drink Responsibly.

Don't: Blame it on the alcohol. You're not Jamie Foxx.