Can You Believe...?

So, I wrote a poem in 2013 that got me praise from some women who found the satire biting and swarthy, and condemnation from some men who said I was being sexist and misogynistic. While polarizing, I don't feel like I necessarily should explain myself. You may like this, you may not like this, but I've given so much thought as to whether this is subtle parody of mansplaining or gentle justification of the unfair sex that I genuinely have forgotten which side of the ring I'd come from.

Can You Believe I Don't Have a Girlfriend?

I [object] to objectifying women

Not because I don't do it myself- as any man (who is that way sexually orientated) guilty as sin of that

Sin

Men stare at breasts like a man staring at a waterfall when he's dying of thirst

Hand on my, admittedly quite weak, heart: I would rather ogle personality first

Ma'am, if you ever catch me admiring your behind...

I'm sorry

I don't want to get into your pants; I want to get into your mind

When you pass, it's like a motion sensor in my eyeballs, you're in range so I...

Lock-On

Because we're guys, and we're just hard-wired to think about how best to get our

Fuck-On

We don't want to do it! It's not something we choose!

A man will look at an ass like a woman will look at shoes!

If women ruled the world, and executed every man who checked out a a midriff, or a rear...

[OH LORD]

It would be like watching The Hunger Games at

[16x FAST-FORWARD]

“All men are animals!” the FemiNazis cry with glee!

Yes we are...all women are animals too...

~It's a matter of taxonomy~

However, if you're here tonight with your boyfriend and the really hot girl walks by, if he checks her out don't be annoyed much

He will know the #1 rule of the art of visual appreciation of the female specimen, and that is 'look, but don't touch'

I just want to make it clear and understood

If I could wank over your interest in wildlife preservation, I would

And I am aroused by your knowledge of all the Gryffindor quidditch chants

But I can't ascertain something like that from first glance

All you little chicks, with your endless torrents of selfies, might think you're a catch

But when it comes to love, there is no physical beauty if there is nothing in your brain to match

And if you are offended by guys checking you out and you think they're only interested in your body, stop self-pitying yourself.

And if you are offended that guys “don't want to know you”- actually, fair enough- but you can't make that claim if you don't let them talk to you- the central lesson in any hetero-normative romantic story in the history of humankind should be that MEN ARE NOT TELEPATHS AND WOMEN SHOULD NOT EXPECT THEM TO BE!

And if you are disgusted by the fact that you have attracted the attention of creepy old men- actually, fair enough: I can see your point- I've been checked out by creepy old men myself.

They offer me drugs.

I say 'thank you' because drugs are expensive, and one must always remain charming.

Ironically, it was Oscar Wilde who said it best- “would you be in any way offended if I said that you seemed to me to be the visible personification of absolute perfection?”

And it took me some time to understand what he meant by that, because it's very easy to misinterpret that line. You do not look perfect- you look like perfection itself.

Let me break it down for you, so you can take something away~

All the single ladies (all the single ladies)

If you do notice a guy stare at you tonight, take a minute out of your precious time to talk to him, see what he's about

Because I guarantee you that every taken male in this room started his relationship by checking a girl out

I beg of you, if your man has eyes that wander, then let him because later, in privacy, he will use his “I”s to look at your “you”s

I [object] to objectifying women, but I have behavioral flaws I hope you can excuse

Thank you.