JAFFA

Sometimes I write plays (particularly two-handers). I like theatre as a medium, I like writing when the muse visits (I know, but I'm even worse in real life). Here's the first scene of one I wrote five years ago:

SCENE ONE

The play begins with theatre lighting on a simple table but as soon as the audience is settled, the house lights go up and Lawrence Bedwell enters onstage. He dresses equal-parts librarian and rock star. He fiddles with his notes, puts down a lucky cat figurine, and clears his throat.

Bedwell: hallo hullo everyone. Settle down, and please turn off your phones. If I hear a phone ringing, I will beat you…savagely and creatively, and there will be nothing educational about it. Now, I’m either here to lecture about Shakespeare or make love to Betty White- and I don’t see Betty White. Now, I know I’m not your usual lecturer. My name is Bedwell- some of you may know me from the Wednesday tutorials. Joanna can no longer lecture this paper because she is in the ground, which is a fairly good excuse I suppose. Though the police have assured me that the freak train-car-horse-lightning-arson-flood-smallpox incident was just an Act of God, I’d like to think we should all give ourselves a little pat on the back because we all just proved the power of prayer.

So, where did Joanna get up to in her last lecture? Oh, that’s right- Ophelia. Ophelia. “Ophelia”. Opheliaeliaelia. I hope you’re all taking notes. Oh-feel-eye-ah!. Hamlet’s missus. Okay, let’s see what I know. It’s been ages since I read Hamlet. Probably not the best thing to be telling you but I don’t care enough to lie. At least I’m honest! Can’t say that for too many lecturers but I digress- oh, digress is a funny word, isn’t it? Digress. Sounds like ‘digest’ and it’s happening again.

Bedwell takes a drink from the table.

Bedwell: anyway, and this is top-notch water. Where was it gotten from again? Oh, that’s right- the tap. It’s a thirsty business teaching Shakespeare. Does anyone actually laugh at the Bard anymore? I’ll give you an example. ‘Much Ado About Nothing’ is actually a pun- I bet you didn’t know that! Because back in the Elizabethan Age, ‘Nothing’ was slang for…well…if you’re a man, then you don’t by definition have one! And the content of the play is all about…well the point is-! That the joke doesn’t work anymore.

I’ve wasted a whole minute of your time at university and you all sat here and took it. I hope you’re all good with having student loans. Back in the day, and I’m only twenty-six and I get to say that, back in the day we didn’t have student loans like you have. We also never heard of a Marmite shortage and there was no such thing as…iCarly.

Sorry, what the hell was I talking about? Does anyone know-?

Bedwell spots someone leaving and singles them out.

Bedwell: no you can’t go to the bathroom and you know why? Because you’re bored and you don’t really have to go. Go on, go to the bathroom! I dare you…! No? Okay. Back on track, someone make sure I don’t stray from topic (points to audience member). It’s your job. Now guard it with your life.

So, what did Joanna talk about? No seriously, I was hungover, I spent my free time at the Law stein. Anyway, that’s what you missed on Glee. We need more outside lessons so I’m allowed to smoke. I’m already off-track again. Who was it who was meant to keep me on-topic? (points to audience member) you’re fired.

Right, Ophelia from Hamlet, by William Shakespeare. What is she? Who is she? More importantly, why is she? Wow, that’s more wank than King’s College. I’m reading from Joanna’s notes here. She’s actually written this. Is it any wonder she had to die?

So, why does Shakespeare write Ophelia as a weak character? Is it because Shakespeare doesn’t care for women? What meaning can you draw from this? What is the concrete subtext that we can take away from Ophelia…? NONE! BECAUSE THERE ISN’T ONE!

There, I just saved you nearly fifty minutes of a boring lecture. There are no concrete interpretations. What the audience makes of a text is their own activity, like eating an ice cream or not watching cricket. Any cricket fans in…?

Beat.

Bedwell: I’m so very, very sorry.

I think it’s time we started cracking on because I’m not sure how I got this job, and I think it was by secret ballad, like Survivor. I’ll be honest- I’m not sure why any of you are taking this paper. It’s not compulsory. I suspect you’re all taking it for tax reasons. It’s not to bump up your GPA. I saw your assignments. Most of you had some of the worst drivel I have ever read, and we’re talking the proportions of Dan Brown novels. Janine Standersmith, are you in? Yeah, you’re getting a big ol’ C-. Keep the peace, Cs get degrees.

Bedwell begins pacing around.

Bedwell: turn to chapter four of your books, Wittle’s Analysis of Shakespearean Tragedy. Who’s gone and bought the book? No, no one? Good, because neither have I.

So, what does Wittle have to say about Ophelia? I have the feeling there’s some argument about how the tragedies are comedies, men are women, but what is Ophelia? Pawn of the cruel hand of fate or suggestible moron? Here’s an idea- think about it. Throughout all of your secondary education you’re raised with this one idea that the one right answer is at the back of the textbook and don’t look or copy because that’s cheating. This is a lie, and I’m allowed to say that because I have my Master’s. The Bachelor with his Masters, doesn’t just sum me up?

Bedwell takes another drink.

Bedwell: sorry, that was cranky of me. Life has not been going too fantastically for me. Yes, I know, you’re paying a king’s ransom to come here, but you all get to go to university, and most of you had skipped classes anyway. For me, it started when I had a chocolate-chip cookie which was actually a raisin cookie. I was six years old. That's why I have issues.

Yes, I know you’re all finding this painful to sit through but at least it means you’re paying attention. After I had my heart-broken, I couldn’t do anything. I couldn’t eat. I barely slept. I couldn’t watch any more Friends reruns. I listened to James Blunt. I underline that for you. If you could hear the colour beige, it would sound like James Blunt. There I said it! Oh, James Blunt fans? I don’t care. Go tweet about it while you drink your lattes.

Bedwell takes yet another drink.

Bedwell: yes, I know I’ve been drinking a lot but the truth is this isn’t water. It’s vodka, laced with crack cocaine to keep me awake.

Okay, your tutorial homework is to read the play again. Actually, go get a copy and read it; yes, I’m secretly being paid by the university bookshop to say this. Seriously though, do yourself a favour and go find a copy. Why? I’ll tell you why.

Bedwell takes another drink.

Bedwell: Yes, I know I’m not meant to be drinking on the job but it’s not like I’m a heart surgeon or on the cast of Two and a Half Men. I’m not tenured, but have you any idea how hard it is to fire someone around here? As long as you keep contractually-obliged office hours at- actually, I’m not going to tell you because that would put me at an unfair disadvantage. Some of you actually might show up if I tell you when they are.

Why should you go and read the play? Don’t read the analysis, or the thesis, or whatever. Read the play. You are part of the liberal arts. It was people like you who thought up Kony2012. It was people like you who decided to make Adam Lambert famous and it was people like you who keep Apple in business. Girl at the back, I see you have an iPad. Tell me, is there an app for loneliness?

Read the damn play. I know you can all read, or you wouldn’t be here. No one forced you to be here. No one signed you up for a laugh. Take the play and see what you think of it- that’s all anyone from the university ever wants from you. That, and your money.

Pack your bags, be kind to each other. Class dismissed.

Lights change, and quickly too in case the audience take that as their cue to leave.